Love means never having to say I love you
by Yusagi
Summary: PreDD, AU. Oneshot He can't spend all his life with her, and he shouldn't try. He can't lie, he can't tell her he will when he won't. She never wanted anything but what he had to give. DR


Disclaimer: No. Just...no. I don't own DW. Never have, probably never will.

AN: So. I resolved to wait until American premier of DD to write fics. Well...its only a one shot, and its not spoiling anything anyway. Inspired by the resolute desicion that Rose and the Doc couldn't have had an 'intimate' relationship, because they'd never gotten around to telling eachother how they felt (and...they might with someone else under those circumstances, but not each other.) So, I kinda explored in my mind the things that he might process of just how wrong it would be to pursue anything, and of all the domecity he'd not want to be involved...

Then this sorta hit me as an alternative--plus I've been wanting to use this title since I lost momentum with an older ship of mine. So...enjoy if you want...but and anti-DR comments will be curtly ignored. No specific time set for this, but I'll assume its after Age of Steel, and before Idiot's Lantern.

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_Love means never having to say I love you_

She was smiling at again in the way she often did these days. It was not entirely innocent--most definitely not _innocent_--and yet within her deep eyes, full to spilling over, was a painful naiveity. She just did not...would not..._could _not understand. He had tried to explain it to her, he really had. That grin widened to show glimmering teeth and that little bit of her tongue she always seemed to chew on, when she noticed his study of her.

An easy grin of his own matched hers before he could consider what she must have been thinking. His smile faded into a small frown as he turned back to the TARDIS console he was monitoring. What _was _she thinking? Oh, he could guess at a few things...but...Rose Tyler's thoughts had never been as easy to read as most of the other apes from her planet. Not in this regeneration, anyway. Did she really think that somehow, by force of will alone, she could prove him wrong?

A question from her gave an excuse to look back up at her briefly.

Could it?

_No. _A firm word, final, unyeilding. One human female was not going to change the laws of the universe simply because she wanted to. He had not spoken, but perhaps the harshness of his thoughts reached his expression before he turned away from her, as her smile quickly disappated.

"Doctor...what is it?"

His old self had a sort of mask he hid behind...or used to, before Rose came along and always seemed to steal it away from him. Now, apparently his regeneration had adapted to the circumstances and given him an entirely different mask. After all, who could guilt him for smiling so brightly all of the time? She did not know him as much as she thought she did...not this regeneration, anyway. This was why he was always inclined to return the companion home when he would change. What had made him change his procedure this time?

She was smiling again, bright and innocent this time.

It was wrong, he knew it was, one day not long from now, all of her smiles...all of _her _would be nothing more than a ghost of a memory. That was how it always was.

It was amazing how her smiles could bury such facts so quickly in even his mind...and that had to be saying something.

---

It was different...not the same at all. She thought she and he had gotten past that awkward bit about the new him. They had gotten past it, had they not? This was a foreign sort of different entirely...was it the parallel universe trip that had done it? That horrible spaceship that had France on it?

No...

It was before then. Before Mickey, before he had left her...when had he changed?.

Her eyes closed a moment, as her mind recalled a memory...standing in the moonlight, outside a little cafe just then closing. It seemed like so long ago now, when his dark eyes had swirled with a startling blend of chaotic emotions...when her Doctor seemed to decide it was better to erase the last year, and everything she had with her old Doctor. That was when everything had changed between them, was it not?

But had _everything _changed?

He never smiled quite like that for anyone else. He rarely smiled like that even when Mickey had simply been around. Had everything changed, just as his face and voice had before?

_No. _A simple word, lucid, stubborn. One far-flung fear was not going to get into the way...not with them...not as long as she had any choice in the matter. A small smile crept onto her face, almost conspiratorial as she tilted her head to observe her Doctor tinkering with something on the TARDIS console's underside. She had seen far too much in her travels with him to give up that easily.

"You're going to want to wear something heavier than that, Rose." He flashed her a quick toothy grin, one that almost had her looking for a stray feather caught in his teeth.

"I thought you said..."

"Ahh, Come on, Rose!" He started, spinning around to lean one arm on the console and giving her his most winning smile. "Don't you ever get tired of going the same places, different times? We've got a whole big _universe_ to explore!" His free arm gestured grandly across the TARDIS to emphasize his point.

She grinned back at him, before turning her gaze in the almost empty control room to follow the suggested movement of his arm. "But why in all the universe can't it be a _hot_ planet, then?"

"Aw, I promise you'll love it, Rose...trust me."

A part of her wanted to say she should not...that he had disappointed her before in this new version of himself--oh, so many times. Mickey would tell her that, too...and her Mum. He was not the same as he used to be, was he? Even he said that sometimes.

Amazing how that cheeky grin seemed to dissolve all of her stubborness and rebellion without even seeming to notice.

--

Was it really wrong to smile at her so often? He had to smile at _something_--it was just the nature of this regeneration to smile. There was nothing wrong with her smiling back. It was perfectly normal to feel warm when two people shared a content smile...snuggled in eachother's arms as they sat on a frostbitten cliff, watching the multi-colored suns climb the horizon. He concentrated on the way their misted breath seemed to twist and dance with eachother in the bitingly cold air--he could let his mind berate him later.

"You're right, Doctor..." He unconsciously squeezed her shoulder tighter as she sighed against him. "I do love it."

It would not hurt, could not hurt, to press a light kiss in her hair. The moment called for it, after all.

Jack would have said it called for passionate love-making, too.

He shook his head quickly, to rid himself of that particular train of thought. That would never work. How could it? He was not about to let her get the slightest idea that he might ever consider her in such a way. What would their adventures be like, then? All jumbled up and messy with domescity, that was what they would be like. If there was one thing besides an extraordinary attraction to trouble that was constant in all of his regenerations, it was that he did _not _do domestic. He certainly was not going to have her guilting him into saving her instead of a greater cause.

"Doctor?"

He blinked in vague surprise, looking down to meet the concerned eyes of his current companion.

_No._ She was more than just a nameless, faceless partner, casually tossed aside when the time came. He had promised her, had he not? He never broke his promises.

"Don't you like it, Doctor?"

"Hm?" He had fallen into reverie once again.

"The view, Doctor, don't you think its breathtaking?"

Her face turned toward the rising suns, a sight he had seen many a time before, but his slow-spreading grin did not move from her. "Oh yes."

It was wrong. Oh, so very, very wrong. She would wither away and vanish and it would seem only a heartbeat passed in his own life time. That was how it had to be.

"I wish we could stay here forever, Doctor."

His mouth opened to speak before he realized what he was going to say, and abruptly closed once more, before he nodded softly. "So do I, Rose."

--

Mouth opens, then closes again after a moment of silence. She wondered if he might do it again, as his surprise leaves him involuntarily 'ogling' her. Was involuntarily the correct word? Perhaps 'unexpectedly' fit better...he certainly did not look greatly put off by the fact that he had just walked in on her, dripping wet and stark naked. It was not her fault he had not thought to knock before bursting into the bathroom with his newest tidbit of information.

A passing curiousity almost wants to ask him what had died in his throat..but that seemed too brazen. Too brazen? Since when would she only smile rather sheepishly at a man who burst in on her while she was indecent--and not even consider going for a towel? Maybe it was closer to the truth to say she was worried he would snap out of it if she spoke. Snap out of what? It was not like he was reacting differently than any polite person might when thrust into such a situation.

Her choice is taken out of her hands, as he blinks and blithely turns his gaze to hers, trademark smile firmly back into place. "We're here, Rose!"

Involuntary.

She smiled at him, and absently reached for a towel. "A-Alright...I'll just get my clothes on."

"Ah." He nodded. "Right."

There is nothing to say as he turns and leaves the room in all haste. Nothing decent to say, anyway. Brown eyes meet their twins through hazy mirror. Was it just the mirror that made her hurt so blatantly obvious, or was it just the tears blurring her vision that made it look so?

_What's wrong with me?_

She was not sure exactly how she meant that question to ask.

---

He sighed softly, as he leaned against the rail around the console for support. Was he trying to banish or summon the image of Rose--_his_ Rose--standing with that slight smile on her face? Whatever the intention, all he seemed to be able to see when he closed his eyes was that. He shook his head in frustration--this was very unbecoming of him. Then again, there was alot about this regeneration that his previous selves would find very unbecoming.

How he wished he could have...

_No. _There was that word again. Steadying, strong, persistant. If he just kept clinging to it, everything would be alright...it would not hurt so much anymore. His eyes snapped open as his memory playback reached that nagging little bit where her smile faded into a hurt frown.

Rose had made her way to the control room, and sat in a nearby chair--looking for all the world as if she had found something fascinating on a faraway wall of the TARDIS. He resisted twin urges to sigh and to shake his head. Why did she not understand? Why did they all have to be so thick? Was it not painfully obvious from everything he had done, just exactly how he felt?

_Curse these apes and their unreasonable drive to hear and say words that mean nothing, and bring only trouble. _

_But don't you like trouble?_

He shook his head just slightly, and turned to the young woman behind him. Her hair was still damp from the shower, and she smelled faintly of peaches even from where he stood. She seemed oblivious to his sudden shift of attention for once.

He could not. He would not.

Brown eyes turned curiously toward him.

In the end, it would only hurt them both. Nothing good could come from chasing an impossible dream.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as one hand cupped her cheek. So smooth.

She would demand so much, so much he could never give. She could never understand.

A soft tear slid along his thumb, as she leaned into his touch.

He could never love her, he could never give himself completely to her, could he?

He could have sworn he saw a faint misting in the air as she whispered his name. Oh, she was so beautiful, so gentle and lovely.

This was so wrong, oh yes, so completely wrong.

What if she wanted more? What if physical affection was not enough?

His hand stilled a moment, but he did not get to continue his silent argument, before Rose leaned up to brush her lips against his, and speak in a voice meant only for him.

"If I don't say it, its okay, right?"

He couldn't help the broad smile that crossed his face at the hopeful look in her eyes. Oh how he loved her.

"Rose Tyler..."

She pressed slim fingers against his mouth, and shook her head slightly. "You don't get to say anything, either."

It was so, _so_ wrong...but as a slow smile of her own matched his, he realized a bit of her stubborn, obstinant, human rebellion was starting to rub off on him.

To hell with what was right.

**End**

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AN: . Er...yeah. First DW fic...can't expect much, right? Not too bad, I hope.

-Yusagi Sombermoon


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